Another School Year Begins...

My boys are tucked in bed, its 11pm, and I am wide awake. The night before the first day of school and the the night before my sons' birthdays are so restless for me. My boys are starting 11th and 7th Grade tomorrow and I have "anxious belly". All of the hopes and fears I hold as their mother multiply at the beginning of a new transition.

I hope my sons are ready... ready to:

• Be hopeful
• Be true to him self
• Be him self
• Use his talents
• Be "powerful beyond measure"
• Stop playing small
• Learn and demonstrate more knowledge and skills that will support his growth

My youngest son, Tee, is staying at his father's house during the school week, because we believe it would be a better fit for him... our family's version of Boys N tha Hood (smile). Our sons need different things right now. Tee needs the firmness of his father, and Dee needs the coaching of his mother right now, and when those needs change I am hopeful we will be able to adapt and adjust.

Wow, another year is starting and my BabyDaddy and I are getting better and better as co-parents. I am still smarter and have the better genes (smile), but I respect that he brings some strengths to this co-parenting team that sometimes (yes I said sometimes...lol) compliments my strengths and that is what makes this team work better. At this point in our journey I thank God we have grown more. Our growth gives me hope that we will continue to grow and get even better at this.

I usually write my sons notes and put them in their pencil cases,and this year will not break tradition. Since Tee already left to go to his father's house, I will have to bring him his note in the morning. Yes, I am still going with him to his first day of school... its more for me than for him, because he looked at me like I was crazy when I hugged him and told him I will see him in the morning as he was leaving to go with his father. Well I am going to go write my notes to my young men...

They get on my nerves sometimes but I love them being their mother is the hardest yet most rewarding responsibilities!

Hopeful and encouraged,
WonderWoman

No Crystal Stair

Well another school year is done. My eldest son has been... well he's been 16. School and motivation have been a challenge for him... and this year he barely made it out of 10th grade. My expectations won't change for him, and he will have to travel through this with my support, but I can't do it for him. He and I were sitting up and talking about life and how hard it can feel at times. More importantly about how we were not born into this world to live it alone, and family and friends come into our life for a season (some longer seasons than others) to help us learn and grow. Some of the ways others help us to do this is not always through good experiences... the good ones remind you that its possible and the bad ones are packed with some of the biggest lessons. I pray he is getting the lesson and that our relationship continues to be the safe resting place for him to be reminded that he's not alone.

Our conversation also lead us to reflect on the realities of life and death. My Auntie Pecola passed away on Sunday (RIP Auntie Pecola), leaving my little cousin (age 17) parentless (his stepfather and only man he's knowns as Daddy was killed in an accident less than a year ago, November 2007). This reality is what saddens me so deeply. I rejoice that my Auntie is not in pain anymore and she can rest now. Just thinking about my cousins brings tears to my eyes, because with all of my Auntie's flaws she still was a love filled woman and her children (two adults and my little cousin) have to grapple with grief and pain not only for her death but in some of their ambivalent feelings about her life.

Today, I am reminded of my passion for my children as a mother, and my admiration of my mother as her daughter. My Grandmother raised several of my aunts children for different intervals of their life... so my mother always had the option when things were hard... yet even as a child I knew that she chose to be Mommy, because beyond sending us to Grandma's for the summer she always chose my brother and I... and I am eternally grateful for her strength and perseverance thru some difficult times. It is because of my mother's example and strength that I took motherhood very seriously at the age of 15. I too, chose to be Mommy even when it would have been "ok" if I said, I am "too young for this". I couldn't have done it without my Mommy and I am thankful that my BabyDaddy chose to be Daddy because through the ups and downs our children have always had both of us.

I shared one of my favorite poems with my son tonight, Mother to Son, by Langston Hughes.


Mother to Son
by Langston Hughes

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor --
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now --
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.


Be Blessed and Encouraged,
WonderWoman

BMU goes public...

Edit: Well if you want to check out this segment of Wake Up, Live with Corey & Drea, its is online. Go to this link-BMU goes public. It is the last segment of this episode. It was fun and reflective. I shocked myself with some of my "out loud" reflections. WonderWoman has grown so much, and I am so grateful for the experiences... in hindsight (cuz in the midst of the storm I was not so grateful... wink). This is a great show, not just because they are my friends... they are really creative and they are destined to do even bigger things. Check out their website to learn more about the show and to see other episodes: http://wakeuplivetv.com/

We all know at least one person that is quick to action... well one of my super hero friends, Corey Manning, who also inspired this blog... is one of those people. He and I have jokingly talked about doing a radio or tv show segment about the experiences of BabyMommas and BabyDaddies- discussing issues, sharing growth, and giving feedback on how to be better BMs and BDs... when you know better-do better! Well last weekend we were talking with another super hero, RobertB... and Corey shared this idea with RobertB... and this actually sparked a really good conversation. Well as super heroes often do... Corey jumped into action...

So Today, RobertB and I will be taping a segment on Corey's TV Show, Wake Up, Live with Corey & Drea, on BNN (Channel 9 on Comcast- Live Fridays 4pm, and rebroadcasting Monday and Wednesday 7am... check out www.coreymanning.com for more information). This will be interesting and fun. Blogging has been a great creative space and had an air of anonymity, but Today... WonderWoman will show herself...

For a short moment I was unsure about going public, but that was just for a short moment. I work with children and families everyday and this is just another medium to share. The gifts I bring to my work is truly because of my lived experience as a young person and as a mother. As I said in my earlier post about why blog about it... I do not consider myself and expert of "all things BabyMomma", but I know my experiences are real and I have grown a lot through them. Dr. Phil has the 80/20 relationship rule... well I have the WonderWoman 90/10 rule, which is, I am right 90% of the time and I will apologize for the 10% when it happens... LOL

So now I have to figure out what to wear to camouflage my "baby weight"... yeah I know my boys are 16 and 12 but it's taken me a while to loose those last few pounds... LOL. Wow typing their age just spooked me... my BabyBoy just turned 12 last week.

In the spirit of sharing... BabyDaddy and I are getting better and better at co-parenting. Especially given the ages of our sons. We have our quasi-BoyzNtheHood reality these days (I will have to blog about that later), and its working well.

Well I have to go figure out my outfit and get to my J-O-B.

-WonderWoman

The truth… I am not perfect

Truth
The truth is ever present.
You can’t hide from it
As much as you may try.
You try to avoid it,
Ignore it,
Lie about it,
And sometimes crave it.
There are a few things in this life
That are absolute...
Truth is one.

Last year at the age of ten, my youngest son, wrote an essay for school. He asked me to type it for him, and then I was hit with the truth. The assignment was to write about a barrier or obstacle that you experienced and what you did or will do to overcome the obstacle. So at the age of ten he wrote about an obstacle he has to overcome. His obstacle was: … his mother and father’s not getting along with each other and he was going to overcome this obstacle by staying determined to not let his parents' problems become his problems. Reading his essay hit me like a ton of bricks right in my chest. This was the truth that I couldn’t ignore, avoid, or just blame their father. I had to face it!

His writing showed his strong insight, and his emotional disconnectedness. His emotional disconnection still concerns me. I dream of my sons’ growing up to be loving and caring men, yet because of their experience they both have a very negative perceptions about male/female relationships. They aren’t sure if they even want to have a family (wife and children). I want my sons to see a positive representation of love in their family and dream of the day they would have their own loving family. I am hopeful! I live with the truth that, my sons’ have both been scared by the emotional struggle they witnessed in their mother and father’s relationship.

My baby boy is growing up and has made sense of his life in ways I wish he didn’t. Until I was typing his essay, I had been avoiding the truth, and wishing things were different. As parents we want our children to pick up the “good” examples of our life, and to be blind to the “bad” examples. You know the saying, “Do as I say, not as I do…”

I live with the belief that usually people do the best they can with what they have. With that said, sometimes the best they can doesn’t produce the best outcomes. As a researcher and educator, I know that at the end of the day outcomes matters. As a child my mother was emotionally distant, self-sacrificing and busted her behind to provide for her family. My father was an alcoholic decorated Special Forces Vietnam Veteran “holiday” dad who struggled until my adolescents to love his family through his own pain. My parents did the best they could with what they had materially and emotionally. My childhood was filled with happy times, and some sad moments that caused some deep emotional scars. I grew up feeling like I had to make others happy, love them (my family, friends, babydaddy, etc) enough so they would love me back, and I didn't want to want for too much because I would probably be disappointed.

Those happy memories and emotional scars, co-exist in my life, and I struggle to silence the negative self-talk that was created from those scars as much as I can. As I grow and become a better woman, I become more and more aware of how my “good” and “bad” choices have impacted those around me, just like the choices of others impacted me. So today, I have a deeper understanding of how someone can love me and hurt me. I trust that no one in my life, at least not my loved ones, ever sat down and said, “How can I hurt WonderWoman?” My awareness and growth have allowed me to understand and forgive my family, my friends, and my past loves for the pain they have caused me. I hope my sons gain that same understanding and forgive me for any pain I have caused or may cause in the future.

Reading my son’s essay showed me that he is learning from the “good” and “bad” choices of his parents, and though I wish things were different, the truth is the truth. His essay reminded me that I will have to accept that I have done some things “right” and some things “wrong”. I celebrate that some of what I did “right” was raise him to be smart and insightful… yes its part genetics (because his parents are intelligent too... smile), and I am my sons’ first teacher and they are brilliant (grades don’t always reflect their brilliance, but they just have to grow into it... smile). I wanted to be a “perfect” mother, because so many expected me to “mess up” since I had them so young. But today, I have accepted the truth… that I am not perfect, I messed up from time to time, and that I did my best with what I had at the time. The day I typed my son’s truth… I had tears in my eyes, aching in my heart, and a good soul cry…

Parenting is the hardest and most important job I will ever have. Most of the time when I messed up on this job, it was because either I didn’t know the “right” choice, or I was trying to be perfect, or I didn’t want to and/or know how to reach out for help. My goal is no longer to be perfect… my goal is to continue do the best I can with what I have, when I know better... I will do better, and the wisdom to realize that I am not perfect and sometimes I need to reach out for help.

The pattern of hopelessness and emotional disconnectedness is at a crisis state in our community. I just pray that with God love and favor for all of us. Love is the cornerstone to uplifting us out of the chaos and disharmony in our community and in our homes. We need to heal, forgive, and learn a better way!

-WonderWoman

Lesson Learned

I know it has been a long time since I posted on BMU. Things have been constantly evolving. My kids are amazing souls, who can make me reach beyond myself to be a good representative of adulthood for them. In my quest to be a good representative I always find moments that show how much time changes situations and relationships. BabyDaddy and I have both matured a lot over the last year or so. We can disagree and recover from the disagreement a lot faster than before. Co-parenting isn't easy, but we are getting better at it. Even deeper than co-parenting I am getting to a deeper place of forgiveness about our past. Forgiveness of myself for the role I played in a relationship that lasted too long because I was too afraid to let go, and forgiveness of him for his unloving behavior.

This post was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend recently. My friend called me and asked if I had Alicia Keys CD... and of course I did... I am feeling her new CD. Anyways, he asked me to go listen to Track 6 Lesson Learned. I listened to it with him on the phone. When the song finished he said when he first listened to it he thought about me and how much I have grown through the many lessons I have learned from past relationships. I have more learning to do... its called growing, right? Some experiences I went through more than once with the same person (BabyDaddy), and then with another because it took me a while to learn some of the lessons. This song actually really made me think about the rollercoaster relationship I had with BabyDaddy.

All of this to say, life is constantly changing and evolving with time. Years ago, I would not have been able to imagine this deeper level of forgiveness that I have been able to get to. BabyMommas and BabyDaddies peace and forgiveness is possible, but you have to be committed to the internal self-work and have some Allies to help you deal with the moments that you feel you can't stand in peace with the other parent.

Lesson Learned- By Alicia Keys

He broke my heart
and now it's raining
Just don't rub it in
I'm at your door
I feel so crazy bout' it
You say I told you so
You saw it long ago
You knew he had to go
I finally came around
I'm back on solid ground
Can't let it get me down

(2x)
It's alright
it's alright
It's alright
It's alright

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned.
Mistake overturned so I called it a lesson learned.
My soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned.
Another lesson Learned

Sometimes some lies can
take a minute to fully realize

His tears your eyes
30 seconds to apologize
You give him one more chance
just like the time before
but he already knows you'd give a hundred more
until that night in bed, you wake up in a sweat
Your racing to the door
Can't take it anymore

I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned so i called it lesson learned.
My soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned.
Another lesson learned....

Life perfect, ain’t perfect if you don't know what the struggles for
Falling down ain’t falling down if you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past 'cause I’m getting past
and I ain't nothing like I was before.
You ought to see me now.

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned but i called it lesson learned.
My soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned.
Another lesson learned....

Wake Up, Wake Up

This is a modern version of the song Wake Up Everybody, and I share it with you. I just finished watching Akeelah and the Bee, and the original version of this song was in it. I have been feeling a sense of urgency these days because times are wild out here for young people. Grown Men and Women, especially Mommas and Daddies... we need to Wake Up and accept the great responsibility of teaching our young people their glorious value. It is truly a matter of life and death for our community.

I am a mother of two beautiful young men (age 15 and 11). My BabyDaddy and I grew up as we were raising our children, and some of our growing pains have cause them to enter their life's journey with some pains of their own. The other day, I realized that I am able to actually talk and laugh with their father without anger or stress... in that moment I felt an extra dose of joy, because he and I have come a long way! Today I can say we are truly co-parenting and its a beautiful blessing for our sons. Our intentions have always been to give our children the best we had to give, and its wonderful to see our maturity at this point in their lives. For a period of time, there was a lot of drama between us and it took a piece of our sons' joy. I would sometimes look into my children's eyes and see their sadness and pain. It hurt me so much to see them sad, and for a while that pain made me even angrier with their father because I believed in my heart it was "his fault". But the truth was that until we both were able to see our own role in their pain... the drama would remain. All of that to say...when the adults in our sons' lives GOT IT TOGETHER... their smile came back. Let's WAKE UP, because our children need us to... it truly is a matter of LIFE or DEATH.

Much luv,
Wonder Woman

Wake Up Everybody
By Babyface
Best Video Codes

Didn't Cha Know... Music and My Thoughts

This an old Erykah Badu joint that I was just listening to:

Didn't Cha Know
By Erykah Badu



I had an interesting conversation a little while ago with my BabyDaddy and it left me in a reflective space. And I don't know about you... but my IPod music shuffle mode is damn near psychic. So I was just lying in bed trying to rest before I go pick my Momma up from the airport (at damn near 3AM.. long story... but I gotta do what I gotta do). I had a lot on my mind so I decided to listen to music. This song came on, and and when I came to my computer I was able to find the video code... the internet is a beautiful thing. Well as I watched the video and read the lyrics, I began to think about the truth in the lyrics and how it related to what was on my mind. Sooo... I decided I would share the song with BMU. The part of this song that made me think about BMU was:

Time to save the world
Where in the world is all the time
So many things I still dont know
So many times Ive changed my mind
Guess I was born to make mistakes
But I aint scared to take the weight
So when I stumble off the path
I know my heart will guide me back

and the end of the song

Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day

Be Blessed,
WonderWoman