Lesson Learned

I know it has been a long time since I posted on BMU. Things have been constantly evolving. My kids are amazing souls, who can make me reach beyond myself to be a good representative of adulthood for them. In my quest to be a good representative I always find moments that show how much time changes situations and relationships. BabyDaddy and I have both matured a lot over the last year or so. We can disagree and recover from the disagreement a lot faster than before. Co-parenting isn't easy, but we are getting better at it. Even deeper than co-parenting I am getting to a deeper place of forgiveness about our past. Forgiveness of myself for the role I played in a relationship that lasted too long because I was too afraid to let go, and forgiveness of him for his unloving behavior.

This post was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend recently. My friend called me and asked if I had Alicia Keys CD... and of course I did... I am feeling her new CD. Anyways, he asked me to go listen to Track 6 Lesson Learned. I listened to it with him on the phone. When the song finished he said when he first listened to it he thought about me and how much I have grown through the many lessons I have learned from past relationships. I have more learning to do... its called growing, right? Some experiences I went through more than once with the same person (BabyDaddy), and then with another because it took me a while to learn some of the lessons. This song actually really made me think about the rollercoaster relationship I had with BabyDaddy.

All of this to say, life is constantly changing and evolving with time. Years ago, I would not have been able to imagine this deeper level of forgiveness that I have been able to get to. BabyMommas and BabyDaddies peace and forgiveness is possible, but you have to be committed to the internal self-work and have some Allies to help you deal with the moments that you feel you can't stand in peace with the other parent.

Lesson Learned- By Alicia Keys

He broke my heart
and now it's raining
Just don't rub it in
I'm at your door
I feel so crazy bout' it
You say I told you so
You saw it long ago
You knew he had to go
I finally came around
I'm back on solid ground
Can't let it get me down

(2x)
It's alright
it's alright
It's alright
It's alright

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned.
Mistake overturned so I called it a lesson learned.
My soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned.
Another lesson Learned

Sometimes some lies can
take a minute to fully realize

His tears your eyes
30 seconds to apologize
You give him one more chance
just like the time before
but he already knows you'd give a hundred more
until that night in bed, you wake up in a sweat
Your racing to the door
Can't take it anymore

I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned so i called it lesson learned.
My soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned.
Another lesson learned....

Life perfect, ain’t perfect if you don't know what the struggles for
Falling down ain’t falling down if you don't cry when you hit the floor
It's called the past 'cause I’m getting past
and I ain't nothing like I was before.
You ought to see me now.

Yes I was burned but I called it a lesson learned
Mistake overturned but i called it lesson learned.
My soul has returned so I call it a lesson learned.
Another lesson learned....

Wake Up, Wake Up

This is a modern version of the song Wake Up Everybody, and I share it with you. I just finished watching Akeelah and the Bee, and the original version of this song was in it. I have been feeling a sense of urgency these days because times are wild out here for young people. Grown Men and Women, especially Mommas and Daddies... we need to Wake Up and accept the great responsibility of teaching our young people their glorious value. It is truly a matter of life and death for our community.

I am a mother of two beautiful young men (age 15 and 11). My BabyDaddy and I grew up as we were raising our children, and some of our growing pains have cause them to enter their life's journey with some pains of their own. The other day, I realized that I am able to actually talk and laugh with their father without anger or stress... in that moment I felt an extra dose of joy, because he and I have come a long way! Today I can say we are truly co-parenting and its a beautiful blessing for our sons. Our intentions have always been to give our children the best we had to give, and its wonderful to see our maturity at this point in their lives. For a period of time, there was a lot of drama between us and it took a piece of our sons' joy. I would sometimes look into my children's eyes and see their sadness and pain. It hurt me so much to see them sad, and for a while that pain made me even angrier with their father because I believed in my heart it was "his fault". But the truth was that until we both were able to see our own role in their pain... the drama would remain. All of that to say...when the adults in our sons' lives GOT IT TOGETHER... their smile came back. Let's WAKE UP, because our children need us to... it truly is a matter of LIFE or DEATH.

Much luv,
Wonder Woman

Wake Up Everybody
By Babyface
Best Video Codes

Didn't Cha Know... Music and My Thoughts

This an old Erykah Badu joint that I was just listening to:

Didn't Cha Know
By Erykah Badu



I had an interesting conversation a little while ago with my BabyDaddy and it left me in a reflective space. And I don't know about you... but my IPod music shuffle mode is damn near psychic. So I was just lying in bed trying to rest before I go pick my Momma up from the airport (at damn near 3AM.. long story... but I gotta do what I gotta do). I had a lot on my mind so I decided to listen to music. This song came on, and and when I came to my computer I was able to find the video code... the internet is a beautiful thing. Well as I watched the video and read the lyrics, I began to think about the truth in the lyrics and how it related to what was on my mind. Sooo... I decided I would share the song with BMU. The part of this song that made me think about BMU was:

Time to save the world
Where in the world is all the time
So many things I still dont know
So many times Ive changed my mind
Guess I was born to make mistakes
But I aint scared to take the weight
So when I stumble off the path
I know my heart will guide me back

and the end of the song

Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day

Be Blessed,
WonderWoman

Being a Parent Never Ends...

As our children get older and their life changes and our life changes... parental responsibility change too. But being Mommy and Daddy never ends!

Here's an example... My Daddy called me a few times and I didn't call him back. I kept telling myself I would call him but then the day would get away from me (he works nights so our schedules are the opposite). Since I didn't call him back that made him worry... so today he sent out the S.O.S. calls (voicemails on my cell and home phone, called my brother, and sent me an email). At first I was thinking... oh, that was so not necessary... but then I thought about it and it just reminded how being a Parent never ends. He's my Daddy and thats what parents do... they worry if they feel like something isn't right with their sons or daughters. I will always be my Daddy's BabyGirl, so the first thing I said when I finally reached him tonight was... I am sorry that you were worried!

Another example of how being a Parent never ends... The last two days, my friend's mother couldn't reach him and she did the same thing my Daddy did... she sent out her S.O.S. calls. She must have dug through her cellphone and found my number and who knows who else she called... looking for her BabyBoy. His response to my urgent message to let him know his Momma was looking for him was... "my momma need her ass wooped" (ouuuuuuh I am gonna tell his Momma... lol). But the truth is she was just being... Momma. She was concerned and wanted to make sure he was okay first and foremost, and also that he got the information he needed.

All of this to say... as adult children we realize that our Parents will always be our Parents. Well in that same truth... Remember that we have to always be Parents to our children... no matter what is going on around us and in our lives... let's never forget our most blessed purpose. If being a Parent doesn't end when our children are grown, then it definitely doesn't end because they have frustrated you or you are going through a difficult time.

• If you are a Momma... Be a Momma!
• If you are a Daddy... Be a Daddy!

After I got off the phone with my Daddy, I sighed and felt the essence of My Daddy's Love . Our quick conversation was all he needed to reassure him that I was just fine and to quiet his worry before he left for work tonight.

Special Note to BabyDaddies: Remember that your BabyGirls will always be your BabyGirls... and your Daddy Love has a lasting impact on them as they enter womanhood. Strive for a positive impact!

Parenting is our most challenging role. It can feel thankless (especially if you have a teenager... yall pray for me and mine cuz, some days...). You can sometimes feel so ill-equipped. But as hard as it can be sometimes, there are those moments of joy when you share a triumphant milestone with your son or daughter, that makes your soul smile. There are moments when your son or daughter just comes to you with a hug that can lift 1 million tons of stress. There are times when you just watch your son and daughter and realize they are growing up and wow, they are going to be just fine. These moments make all of the challenges worth it.


Be Blessed,
WonderWoman


P.S. I created links to other relevant blog post (i.e. the Daddy's Love and the soul smile link)... Enjoy!

The major reason I created BMU...

I wanted to share a Blog post that I wrote on my other blog... Today, I Choose, because it really speaks to some of my reasons for sharing my experiences and insight with you on the BMU Blog.

Monday, December 4, 2006

I chose... to see the light as I traveled down memory lane

Our Deepest Fear
by Marianne Williamson
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.


I first heard this verse in the movie, Coach Carter. The words are so powerful and transcends age, because we all could use that understanding. I often share similar sentiments with my son (he's 14... yes... pray for me!). Last night he and I went down memory lane as he was putting together a scrapbook of his baby pictures for a school project. Talking with him now that he is 14 about what it was like when he was little is very different these days, because he is almost the age I was when he was born. Memory lane is more than pictures and stories now that he is a teenager, they are life's lessons and I do my best to share with him... not from a space of shame and lectures, but from a space of grace and strength. It touches my heart to know that he values the stories and I pray that he values the lessons. He selected this one picture for his scrapbook that sparked a few thoughts. It was a picture of him with his father and I, as I was getting ready to go to my prom.

Some of my thoughts...
Damn, I was too skinny... that made me appreciate my sexy as I call it these days.

Then I thought, wow I chose that outfit and just knew I was too cute... it was purple I guess that was my attraction to it... lol

Then I thought, damn his father was short and skinny... now I know why it couldn't have worked out... he's definitely not skinny anymore but with heels on we were the same height... hmmmmm...over 6' please... thank you very much! I know I am a touch over 5', but what can I say... a sista likes what she likes... lol... okay if a brotha is good for me and under 6'... I can love him... I am not that shallow... really I'm not. My baby daddy wasn't good for me and that's why it didn't work (it took us both a while to figure that one out)... but the height could have been a factor too... lol.

And then I thought,Wow... our baby boy is doing alright (yes, just alright, because remember I told you he is 14...)! The journey has not been easy, and God knows the battle scars that we have endured. Obstacles were "a plenty", and I know God carried us through when we didn't have the capacity to do it ourselves. I don't want that same journey for my children or any other young person. The light is that the journey made me the fabulous woman I am today. I am a stronger woman, mother, and love representative (thats my new phrase... what do you think?) because of it.

All of this to say... Today, I choose to embrace my light, because as I shine my baby boy can see his own light and he will shine too. I no longer stand in the shadow of my circumstances.

Just wanted to share some of my light with you. Well I have to get myself out of the door.

Work Work Work

"Misery loves company"...

We have all heard this phrase. We have all been on the giving and received end of misery. Misery usually begins with Pain and Resentment.

Resentment is like a lingering infection in a relationship and many times long after a relationship has ended. We have all been resentful. Frustration builds and builds... Resentment settles in... and it take a strong person to change her mind and let it go. I blogged about "releasing it" (this was not about my BabyDaddy in particular). Please read it! Forgiveness is truly the best gift you can give to... YOURSELF!

Ladies we need to forgive and release our BabyDaddies... even if they are in our minds unforgivable people... we need to let the pain go... Sistas... RELEASE IT! We probably need to release more people than our BabyDaddies, but today I will focus on him. Release him because you need to let go of the negativity for yourself... and your sons and daughters. It sounds simple, but trust me I know it is not easy (this was the reason for my other blog... to share my journey as a GrownAssWoman)... but I can honestly say that I have wasted precious time in my life holding onto the BS. But Today... I Chose to be HAPPY. My happiness has no room for misery and so... I had to RELEASE IT! I am a work in progress... trust me. But, Today I know what happiness feels like and I work hard to keep it... no one else can do that for me!

Some of you might be saying, WonderWoman... But my BabyDaddy is an A--hole and I don't know if I can RELEASE IT. Ladies, I know an A--hole or two... and so I know how angry I can get when dealing with an A--hole. But a few things I know for sure... Your anger and misery is not going to change an A--hole. If he is an A--hole... trust and believe he will continue to be that A--hole until he decides he wants to be something different. Misery loves company... and A--holes are always recruiting for new A--hole members. Their best recruiting strategy is to piss others off so they too can become an A--hole. Don't stoop to a--hole behavior because of resentment and frustration... You do not win. You block your blessings of joy and new wonderful possibilities. You don't need to add yourself to the list of A--holes in this world. We have too many!

And for some of you the truth is... your BabyDaddy is not an A--hole... but he hurt you or the relationship ending caused you pain anyways. Sistas, accept that it didn't work out, grieve, heal, grow, and be open to what is next for you. Again, sounds simple... and I really really know it is not easy. Don't be afraid to move on... when you make the decision to chose happiness and joy, release the negativity, and be open to new possibilities... trust me it will come. If you really can't get past the grief and anger... seek support to pull yourself out of the valley. You deserve happiness, but you have to manifest it in your life... no one else will do that for you!

I send out a call to action for all of us (BabyMomma and BabyDaddies... in fact all men and women)... take a look into your life and relationships... who do you need to RELEASE today???

DECIDE TODAY THAT YOU DO NOT WANT TO KEEP COMPANY WITH MISERY ANY LONGER!!! RELEASE IT!!!

Peace,
-WonderWoman

Why Blog about it?

The other day someone asked me, "Why did you create the BMU Blog?"
As I said in my first post this blog was inspired by another superhero. The mantra BabyMommasUnite was birthed through many conversations I have shared with him and other BMU allies. A typical conversation starts with... "Why do yall do this or that?" The struggle and desire to understand the answers to these questions are real and usually we go to someone we trust that will help us to understand.

I read and talk about a lot of different topics that impact my life- parenting being one of the most important! I love to write, and I have been searching for a forum that could facilitate some open and honest dialog between men and women, and particularly those of us trying to raise wonderful children. Well, the search brought me to some great conversations with some great people... and the birth of BabyMommasUnite.

This is a great space for me to share experiences and lessons learned as single mother striving to raise two wonderful sons with their father. This is also a great space for others to share their experiences and lessons learned so we can learn from each other, and understand each other better. This is not a MAN bashing space. This is not a BitterBlackWoman space. This is a space for GrownAssWomen and GrownAssMen to dialog and hopefully move us collectively to a better place as parents.

Its not easy to raise children with someone that you have chosen not to be with (for whatever reason). You are connected to this person after your intimate relationship has expired, because you share a child together. And I can speak for my experience, I have made my share of mistakes and so has my BabyDaddy along the way. As we stumbled and fell along the way, our children were sometimes negatively impacted. We all have to remember that in the middle of the valley we do not intend to hurt our children, but the fact is they are impacted by our choices.

Is this space just for Black men and women? No. I am a Black woman, I have children with a Black man, and most of my BMU allies are Black men... so that is my frame of reference. Some issues discussed in this space may particularly pertain to Black men and women, but most trials and triumphs of being single parents cross cultures. I must honestly say that I do believe that men and women within their cultures need to have some RealTalk about how we will strengthen our families.

What makes Wonder Woman the BabyMomma Expert?
I am not the soothsayer of all things BabyMomma, but like I say to my children... I am right 9o% of the time and for the 10% of the time I am wrong I am humble enough to apologize (smile). I have been through my share of trials and triumphs as a Black mother. I share my experiences and thoughts with others all the time. In fact, I joined Blogland with my blog, Today I Choose where I reflect on my life and journey to being a GrownAssWomanOnPurpose... as a personal medium to write and share with others. I do not consider myself an expert, but I do know that I have grown a lot through my experience as a BabyMomma and because of my unity with other BabyMommas and BabyDaddies.

What is BabyMommasUnite?
BabyMommasUnite is a movement! Mothers, I stand with you because you are my sisters. Fathers, I stand with you because you are my brothers. Yes the title of this Blog is BMU, but the reality is that mothers and fathers need to stand with each other and unite for what is truly best for our children. Our children deserve it!

Don't let pain and anger block the growth you need in order to do what is best for yourself and for your sons and daughters. If you are blocking your growth, be honest with yourself and then do something to move forward.

Stand with me,
Wonder Woman

Take Me As I Am

Take Me As I Am
By Mary J. Blige


As only Mary J. can say it! This is one of my many Anthems. Some of MJBs tracks were truly soundtracks to my life's journey.

Take Me As I Am Lyrics
She's been down and out
She's been wrote about
She's been talked about constantly
She's been up and down
She's been pushed around
But they held her down NYC
She has no regrets
She accepts the past
All these things they help to make she
She's been lost and found
But she's still around
There's a reason for everything, yeah

You know I've been holding on
Try to make me weak
But I still stay strong
Put my life all up in these songs
Just so you can feel me
So you can get the real me

Chorus

So take me as I am
Or have nothing at all
Just take me as I am
Or have nothing at all

v 2

Yeah she's older now
Yeah she's wiser now
Can't disguise her now, she don't need
No one telling her what to do and say
No one telling her who to be
She's on solid ground
She's been lost and found
But she answers to G-O-D
And she's confident this is not the end
Ask me how I know cause she is me

You know I've been holding on
Try to make me weak
But I still stay strong
Put my life all up in these songs
Just so you can feel me
So you can get the real me

Chorus

So take me as I am
As I am
Or have nothing at all
Nothing Baby
This is me, this is me

Welcome to BMU!

This Blog was inspired by another superhero... see what you started... LOL

Real BABYMOMMAS all over the world... stand and unite!

Today, I stand in solidarity with all mothers dedicated and determined to be mothers of excellence. A Mother of excellence is:

*committed to being a woman on purpose;
*a positive role model for her sons and daughters;
*and most of all committed to being her BEST SELF... our children DESERVE IT!

I truly believe in the sanctity of a loving home, and in my life this is reflected in my home with my BEAUTIFUL SONS and MYSELF. I have decided to give the term BABYMOMMA new meaning. It usually has a negative connotation, but Today, I choose... to FLIP IT!

Welcome to BabyMommasUnite!

The eligibility for BMU Membership is:

• You must know who is your BABYDADDY(S) (get the test done if you know you have doubts... and then get some counseling to deal with why there was doubt);
• Your MOMMA or AUNTIE doesn't have legal guardianship of your children (we all need the support of family and friends, but we must be MOMMA!);
• You have NO MORE THAN TWO (2) BABYDADDIES (relationships do not always work out, but ladies we do not have to have children with every man we are with... remember we are striving to be woman excellence);
• You are SELF-SUFFICIENT (trust me I know it isn't the easiest thing, but we are our children's role models and they learn from our actions much more than our words!);
• If your BABYDADDY has accepted his role and handles his responsibilities you will graciously unite in parenting your wonderful child(ren) (again, I know this is not easy, but our children DESERVE IT!!!);
• If your BABYDADDY has not accepted his role and is not handling his responsibilities... do what is best for your children because they DESERVE IT! (sometimes we have to do what we have to do... shhhhhhh)
  
• OTHER MEMBER ELIGIBILITY REQUIREMENTS ARE TOP SECRET!

BABYDADDIES that accept their role and handle their responsibilities are safe from the wrath of the BMU, you are our allies not our enemies! BABBYDADDIES that are our enemies... WATCHOUT... BMU is coming for YOU!

The public image of Brothas is not reflective of the truth as I have experienced it. This blog is not about BABYDADDY bashing, because I have more ALLIES than ENEMIES in my life and that is truly a BLESSING!

Much luv,
Wonder Woman

*Founder and President of BMU
*Mother of two wonderful sons
*Co-parenting as best I can with their father
*Growing and striving for excellence everyday!